Have you ever read a book that totally transformed your life? Yeah. Me too. Thank goodness for books.
Once in a while the book that changes everything is one that your teacher made you read. Oh yes. The book that shook the very foundation of my life was given as assignment by my 6th grade teacher.
Mr. Biehner made us do lots of stuff: expand our vocabularies, learn how to organize notes, spell correctly... and he also made us read Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
These days if you need to expand your vocab you can just visit dictionary.com. Have organization issues? Use any one of a zillion online organizers or open the myriad of options that came standard on your phone or computer. Suck at spelling? Voila - spell check.
Wondering how to get beyond the things that seem to limit you from having a great life? Read a novella about a strange bird who leads a very different life.
At 41 I can't tell you how many times I've popped open the little book. Jonathan Livingston Seagull never loses its magic and continues to influence my life. Each read leaves me inspired, empowered, and feeling much less wrong about me.
I tend to dig it out of my now scant library after I've been peering over the edge of a cliff for far too long and I'm cold and hungry and tired and sore and scared that if I jump I'll most likely spat. I usually open the worn pages when my voice doesn't seem to work any more and I'm frozen with fear about what to do and where to go next.
And each time I read about my favorite bird I know that living without limitation is possible. I know that all the freedom I seek can start to show up once I unclaw myself from the ledge and let wind and gravity and current sweep me into the air.
Jonathan strives. Against the squawking crowd that make up his peers and even against flock elders who warn him to scrape for scraps of food, this very special seagull never settles into survival as the end all be all of life. Nor should any of us.
The feathered protagonist always wonders how to get better: better at flying; better at gliding; better at rolling and dipping and skimming the ocean's surface with elegance; better at letting go of resistance and allowing the wind to increase his speed. Jonathan even learns to sleep afloat.
At home, he's berated. He's teased. He's cast out of the flock for being a seeker. Food doesn't even matter to Jon. What he hungers for is speed. He chases perfection. Even when he's exhausted and it seems like his body might break into an explosion of feathers and bones, Jonathan keeps going. Alone, he masters each tilt, each subtlety, and each nuance that adds more and more speed and glory and ease to his flights.
Jonathan reminds me over and again to be a leader. To let go of those who doubt that something better is possible and he teaches me to always strive for greatness. He transcends every limitation that, for generations, his flock has tolerated.
Limitless living... The invitation. The whisper. The possibility.
It's a choice only you can make.
Sex. Sexuality. Copulation. Orgasm. Sexualness. Intimacy. Relationship.
These are the 7 elements of your turn on.
How are they the same? How are they different? How would YOU like to play with the 7 elements as part of your living, breathing reality?
Most people have the different strands of sex tied up into a giant hairball and an even bigger contraction in their world. For many, all things are created equally when it comes to the components of turn on.
I mean, do you know anyone in a sexless marriage? Folks who do sexless marriage decided at some point that sex and relationship are the same and are so attached to their decision that they won't let it go. Have you ever copulated with someone and there was no intimacy or true caring? That's about a decision you have that sex equals no intimacy.
Not only does equalizing the pieces of turn on serve as a source of confusion, angst, jealousy, and upset, it creates a place where you actually turn everything off, including your body. It's how you render yourself totally impotent and the real problem here, regardless of your gender, is that impotence doesn't just affect your sex life, it affects your entire reality and cuts off your capacity to create a greater future.
But don't despair. You're life is not over if you've got your turn on all knotted up. There are a few pragmatic things you can do right now to flip the switch and open up to your potency:
Taking the time to tease out the elements of turn on will step you into a greater awareness of what is and what works for you and this is key to flipping the switch.
There is one thing you require if you'd truly like to instigate this change... no judgment. Of you or of anyone else. You'll have to take a searching and fearless inventory of your sexual reality, including the parts that make you squirm, if you'd like to reawaken to your light, vibrant, joyful, orgasmic life and living.
You'll have to be gut honest with you about how you're copulating. Is it for you or your partner? Is it fun and easy or is it painful and you'd just like to get it over with quickly? You'll have to look at sexuality and sexuality is actually wrapped up in gender and judgment. Did you decide that you are gay and will never do it with the other sex? Are you straight and have a descision that you can't let yourself get excited about the same sex?
The decisions you have in place create a sexual reality that is ordered, predictable, and one that you'll wind up resisting no matter your relationship status. Single or married, polyamorous or monogamous, copulating or celebate, you can have in place a sexual reality that is kinking the hose of your life force.
Let your turn on flow. Start with the willingness to look at what you have as your sexual reality and mix in with that your tenacity and the demand that you tap into what truly turns you on. Then let me know how it goes. Shoot an email to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. What new questions arise in your world as you step into your turn on!
And if you need a bit more of a kickstart, buy my amazing, 3 part Access Consciousness™ class now! Learn more about the elements of turn on. Clear the decisions and confusion you've got wound up in your sexual reality. Create the sex and relationship reality you always knew could and should be possible.
I was asking a friend recently if she knew anyone who might be interested in taking a class I'm facilitating this afternoon on body magic and she mentioned that money is a bit of a hurdle for some people. What I discovered myself saying next actually blew me away.
I told her that when I really really want something I usually get it. Wow! What an awareness!
The money, regardless of amount, shows up often in magical, mysterious ways when I'm totally choosing. See, for me, if I know something is going to add to my life somehow (and sometimes I only know energetically) I'll do pretty much whatever I need in order to to make it happen.
Did you know that there are actually 3 excuses we can make so that no one can argue with our choice? Guess what… money is one of our greatest excuses. The other two? Kids and sickness.
I found myself telling her that, yeah, people who can't afford it simply can't afford it. It's what they've decided and I'm more OK with that than ever before.
See, the thing is that we are much more powerful than we've ever given ourselves credit for. So if we really don't want to do something we'll make sure we don't have enough money, use the kids as a reason and justification not to do it or even go to such lengths as to make ourselves sick as a way to avoid the thing.
If you stopped allowing money to be your excuse not to choose the things you'd really like to choose, would anything be able to stop you?
Pretty much, that's it.
You don't need to tell the person you're trying to help about books they ought to read or share what your therapist said to do or talk about what you did in success camp or hug them or give the person a Kleenex. You don't need to run away or plan how you'll tell your friends how fucked up the person is later or share how fucked up you are in order to make them feel better or offer a drink or tell them to cut out red meat or gluten or suggest herbs or, worse, essential oils that they probably ought to add to their life.
I mean, you can do any or all of those things if you want and your ideas can actually be really helpful. But usually what you say is less important than the fact that you are being there, with your friend, in the midst of something he or she is struggling with.
I had one helluva yesterday. Stepped into the sadness and frustration that hit me like a ton of bricks when I was around 8 years old and that has sort of plagued me off and on since then -- a familiarly numbish place. Maybe you know that space too -- let's call it the Kingdom of Sorrow. When you're in that terrible empire and look around and all you can see is grey and tearful and ever unchanging it's only natural to want a way out. And that's when having someone simply be with you is totally life changing.
I'm not sure about you, but I don't like to answer my phone when I'm stuck in the Kingdom of Sorrow so it's not very easy for anyone to help me find my way out. Yesterday was no different. Rather than pick up when I heard my Samsung buzzing, before bed I listened to messages and heard the following:
Hey Donna. I'm just calling because I'm happy that you're my friend and I think about the things that you say to me all the time and I'm thinking about one of them now and I'm just so grateful that you exist and I wanted to tell you that. Ok. Bye.
Honestly, I had my head buried in a book all day and night and when I listened to the message I thought, whatever. No one really cares. I didn't call my friend back because that's actually been true. There really have been so few people willing to hang out with me, especially during rough times, without judgment or suggestion or fear, that I often don't believe that kind of presence can exist.
It does though. When I woke up this morning and called my friend, she was completely present in the Kingdom of Sorrow with me. She giggled in a way that let me know that she had some kind of immunity there that granted her the strange ability to visit without getting lost. Then she said I've got you. You can go into it fully and I am here. I won't let you get stuck. She said lots of other stuff too but it was her ability to give me a bit of a rope to use to ferry myself out that started things unraveling.
Why am I telling you this? I'm not sure. To share a the energy of a new possibility? To appreciate and acknowledge the gift this friend is? To have this here, in my blog, so that I can read it later and be reminded that I know a few people with skills and true caring? To pass the time?
Yep. All of those.
Can I share something with you?
I don't always embrace change.
I know, I know. I should. I mean, there are memes dedicated to jumping blissfully off the cliff into the adventure of living circulating on every social media site at least seventeen thousand times a day. There are board-breaking success camps and motivational courses dedicated to helping people transform their lives. Many of my friends have titles like transformation artist and change agent and personal success coach. That's what I do for a living too -- catalyze change.
Really, there's no excuse for me not to emerge easily and willingly from cocoon. Period.
No excuse and still I'm prone to digging my heels in the sand and I think we can agree that no matter how cute the heel, it's much less sexy when it's clawing its way into earth.
Here's something else you might not know about me. Or maybe you do, you're awfully psychic after all. I love to sleep in my car. Yup. I'd rather, when the weather allows, drive to a lake, park, and expand into water molecules and quiet, gentle breeze as I sleep than slumber at home.
In fact, I woke at dawn just this morning snuggled in fur blankets and gazing up at the moon, which hung like a lantern over the great Rocky Mountains. Late last night I nudged my car into a grove of trees who promised to take care of me and after admiring a solitary Blue Heron that was gliding swiftly across the blueing sky I thanked the trees and the stream they drank from for hosting me through the night. Grateful for the planet's willingness to receive me and nurture me, I cranked the car on and got rolling into today.
Driving back into the city I could feel everyone's worlds: their problems, their worries, their sadnesses, their anger -- mostly I could feel their limitations and numbness. My body and being still buzzing and expanding, the smallness so many people live with hit me in a different way than it usually does.
I asked myself how expanded I truly am. Got curious about how big my world has gotten over the last few months and stepped into a sense of the me I'd been pretending not to be. I could see how much I've been trying to fit into a world I've outgrown. Tapping in and expanding, awareness of things I can be doing and places I can be going, both internally and in the world, started to shimmer.
The thing about edges and embracing change is that usually I avoid it because I'll emerge greater than I've decided I can. Like, my life will actually be better than it was before. Rarely do I sidestep change because the possibilities will become lesser or diminish. Actually, it's the opposite. When I resist changing, endless possibilities begin to extinguish.
If this sounds familiar to you here are some questions you could play around with (and by the way, asking questions is about opening doors and inviting All-Of-Consciousness to support you, it's not about having answers):
Oh, and this post wasn't just inspired by nature, I discovered this video "What does it mean to be you?" from Dr. Dain Heer and it made me smile and giggle and remember to have some damn fun with all of this. Check it out!
Believe it or not, ask and receive actually works.
Try it and see for yourself. Go on. Just try.
Get a sense of something you want -- a thing (could even be an energy or way of being) you lack that you'd like to have -- now ask for it.
You don't need to ask someone specific because really you're asking All-Of-Consciousness to support your ask. You're really asking YOU.
How many times have you not even asked or thought to ask for the things you truly desire because it would be too ridiculous, too selfish, too impossible?
Just for today let that go and ask anyway?
Now that you've asked, go on and do something fun and whenever you think of what you've asked for, let go of your ideas of how and when that thing should show up because you know what?… it never shows up how you think it will.
I was playing around on a tele call series with some courageous beings committing to living in ways never before available and offered up the idea of asking for gifts. I used to ask for presents and gifts a lot a couple of years ago and totally forgot the idea until the call.
Guess what's been showing up in my world? Yup. Presents ranging from my brand new bestie, the Love Cruiser, to gift certificates for dinners at swanky restaurants, to fun outfits I wouldn't buy myself in a gazillion years, to beautiful, antique jewelry, to my very first Jell-O shots ever, just to name a few.
Of course, I had to allow myself to receive these kind gestures and the topic of receiving is one that I could probably devote a whole blog series to. I'll give you this though, Access Consciousness ™ Bars is what shifted my capacity to receive. You could start there too if you want.
Whatever you do, ask. Just ask.
I've been joking with myself this morning about creating a new program for people called the Pretending I Care Package. This, because the number of times people call me in a day to tell me a story, chock full of reasons and justifications for why things suck for one reason or another in their lives is flat out ridiculous.
I've been joking with myself, kind of. I mean, I love my friends and clients and wouldn't like to put anyone off but I guess, I'd like to propose a little something different… If you find that you are telling me (or anyone) a big, whopping story, like, if you're talking for more than a minute about a thing, you might actually be caught up in your limitations. And you might really, really adore your limitations else you wouldn't use your precious energy on them. And guess what, there's nothing wrong with that. It's just, you have to pay me more if you want me to listen to your bullshit.
I mean, even when I was teaching a bunch of teenagers with drug habits and psychiatric labels and learning and social "issues" I didn't allow for this much BS. It was more like, kid, you're amazing. You could be doing anything you wanted to right now and *this is what you're doing? Come back and see me when you're ready to look at the possibilities and what you're capable of rather than the problems and limitations.
Tough love. I guess I used to be better at it and I'm looking at a full on revival!
See, the thing is, you're much faster than you pretend to be. Like really. You are capable of changing everything that sucks in your life and one of the ways to do that is to call me up, give me a couple words instead of a big ass story, and let me work my magic. Let YOU work your magic. Let us, together, BE magic. Think of everything you could create and have and do and be and and and if you used your energy to change the stuff that doesn't work rather than tell stories about why things aren't working... Watch out world!
Or, buy a Pretending I Care Package and, for the right price, I will listen to you solidify your limitations till the cows come home ;-)
People say they don't like to be used all the time but is that really true?
I mean, think of a bike or a chair. It's job is, really, to be used for riding or sitting. My bike loves taking me on rides and the chairs in my house love to be sat in. Now imagine being a bike that no one ever rode… Isn't that sad?
What if you're the same way? What if being used for your talents is actually fun for you? Not wrong and not something you expect to be paid for?
I have a friend who is "using me" for my writing ability and I LOVE IT! It's like, finally, someone is acknowledging me for something I love to do! What if you didn't resist being "used?"
The thing is, I write because I enjoy it. I mean, I write, here even, not expecting anyone to ever see it or care about it or consider it. I just do it because I like to do it. If you're seeing this and like it, I'm delightfully surprised.
What are you refusing to do because you're waiting for someone to validate it first? That's craycray! I say, just do it because you want to and see what shows up.
See, when you function from what's fun for you, it will touch lives. But it's never the other way around. It's never about touching lives first. It's about being you, doing what you love. That's what attracts people. Or not. But it doesn't matter because you're having fun!
Are you starting to notice that things can transform rather quickly? Like, everything can change in a matter of seconds or minutes? All of the sudden friendships and relationships don't feel the same, business looks totally different, and the stuff you were doing yesterday doesn't seem to work today?
A few of my most valuable relationships have shifted DYNAMICALLY over the course of the last couple weeks and I'm finding that either I'm simply not connected to people whose worlds I was totally inhabiting before or that the connections are flat out incongruent and that talking with these friends is nearly painful now.
After a few days of thinking there must be something terribly wrong with me because I couldn't line up with people the same way (and some of them are almost literally running away), I was lucky enough to chat with someone going through a similar thing and was reminded that I'm simply different. I've morphed and when I morph, people often fall away. No wrongness in that. No rightness either - on anyone's part. Just difference.
Duh! Even though this has happened more times than I can count in just this one lifetime I still forget! Silly girl!
So, the question is, without being wound up the same way in these friends' realities, now what?
HERE ARE A COUPLE POSSIBILITIES you might not have considered for when you're changing and the change is so phenomenal that you see it showing up instantaneously…
So, when everyone goes away and nothing seems to be working in your life, what if instead of assuming there's anything wrong, you allowed yourself to be curiouser than ever? Maybe you're transforming to such a degree as has never yet been possible.
Because, um… yeah… you're that f~cking cool!
Lit and Comp teacher gone rogue, disguised now as a Living and Relationship Coach, Body Worker, and Access Consciousness Facilitator, I still sneak off to write because, well, it makes me come alive and it's one of the joyful ways I create the future.